King Charles loses control amid Kate Middleton crisis

King Charles’ grand plan for the royal family has been left in tatters as Kate Middleton’s health crisis takes hold.

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Where is she? There is only one thing worth worrying about this week, one bedevilling question to be answered: On which Mediterranean resort town’s sun lounge is the Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland currently lolling, just Camilla and her Boot’s bottle of coconut tanning oil?

They say Nero fiddled while Rome burned and now, it would seem that Her Majesty is tanning while the royal family teeters ever close to a tipping point – which is really saying something after the four and a bit years that the House of Windsor has been through.

King Charles is being treated for an unspecified form of cancer; Camilla is off on hols with a rum drink; Kate the Princess of Wales is recuperating after undergoing abdominal surgery, taking at least three, but possibly up to six, months off; the internet has gone off the deep end, adamant some vast conspiracy is afoot thus sparking much hand-wringing about how much the Waleses should be saying and privacy; Prince William has whittled his diary down to nothing to stay home; and preening useless glob Prince Andrew managed to land a starring role at the memorial service of King Constantine of the Hellenes. Oh goodie.

Here we are, only 18 months and change on from the death of the Queen Elizabeth and the handing over of the reins and reign to lifelong intern and all-round trier Charles and things are in disarray.

Fine. Chance, the universe, fate is to blame for a lot of this – His Majesty’s cancer, whatever issue Kate was treated for – but this is also a tale about leadership and the King’s decades-in-the-honing vision for Crown Inc.

At the heart of this mess are four words that His Majesty must now dread having ever uttered – Slimmed Down Royal Family. Come the aughties, the advent of flip phones, hipster jeans and Shakira, at some point god’s gift to hedgerow preservation decided that the royal family was in danger of starting to look like it a bloated gaggle of spongers, many of whom enjoyed gratis grace-and-favour homes and never doing a lick of public duties.

For example, in 2019, the last time that the full complement appeared on the balcony for Trooping the Colour, there were 39 people. Hands up – who can tell me who Albert Windsor, Zenouska Mowatt, Lyla Gilman or Estella Taylor are?*

Enter Charles’ blueprint for his SDRF™, which would see only those in the top spots take centre stage and to officially represent the crown.

The world got its first look at this during the late Queen’s 2012 Diamond Jubilee celebrations. Gone from the Buckingham Palace balcony were the dozens of second and third and fourth cousins so removed from the throne that they probably had to wear name tags to identify one another.

In its place were just Charles and Camilla, William and Kate and Prince Harry who was four years away from meeting future wife Meghan Markle and having to learn to spell ‘unconscious bias’.

(On that day, just the palace, how many footmen do you think it took to hold an indignant, red-faced Andrew back from forcefully joining them?).